I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
