i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
