Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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