Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
