Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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