i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
