"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
