I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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