All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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