think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
