Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
