I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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