I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
false alarm, still single
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