3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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