i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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