The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Semen is not good for contacts.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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