I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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