i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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