So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
