Grow some girl-balls and come out already
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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