Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
