Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
