Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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