I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
