He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
