i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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