I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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