:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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