Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
