I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Are we still banned from the library?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
