this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
