Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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