we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
