i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize