my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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