So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
