I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
