Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
