We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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