Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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