I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
