Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
