I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
