Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
