there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
