She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
