if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
