Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
