Plan B is the new Plan A
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
