Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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