separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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