thus making me awesome and them whores
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
