Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
