you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
