There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
