when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize